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 Anna's Musings 

Die U-Bahn steckt im Tunnel fest. Stellwerkstörung. Alle um mich herum schnauben und ich fühle die wachsende Enge in mir - in 8 Minuten geht mein Zug. Der Kopf galoppiert davon, plant schon voraus was ich tun muss um den verpassten Zug umzubuchen.


Und dann erinnere ich mich an meinen Atem. An mein Becken. An meinen Kiefer. An die Möglichkeit, den Moment voll zu empfangen, weiter zu fließen, mich zu öffnen. Ich sehe den Zug vor mir, wie er am Hauptbahnhof steht und gemütlich auf mich wartet.

8 Minuten - eine Ewigkeit.


Es durchströmt mich ein befreiendes Lachen über mein schnaubendes, ächzendes Ich, dass die endlose Weite nicht fühlen kann, weil es denkt, der Zug sei schon abgefahren. Literally.


Ich erreiche meinen Zug und steige ein. Eine prickelnde Stimmung durchströmt mich und spiegelt sich wieder in den Menschen, die mit mir reisen. Ein älterer Mann liest seine Zeitung im Bordbistro, als eine an ihm vorbei gehende Frau durch eine etwas harsche Kurve beinahe auf seinen Schoß geschleudert wird. Auf den Lippen beider Fahrgäste formt sich ein verschmitztes Grinsen. “Tut mir leid, dass ich ihnen so unverhofft so nahe gekommen bin.”, spricht sie zu ihm. Er antwortet weiterhin lächelnd über den Rand seiner Zeitung. “Ich sehe ja die Umstände.”


Liebesspiel.


Endloser Tanz.


Unendliche Unschuld, die ganz und gar nicht bedeutungslos ist.


In einem Zug, der noch nicht abgefahren war, durchflutet mit der Energie der Leichtigkeit, die innerhalb und außerhalb von mir überall lebt - und ich darf mich damit beschenken es mitzubekommen, indem ich mich öffne.


Spürst du diesen Raum in dir, der dich mit deinem unendlichen Tanz verbindet? Mit deiner Weite, deinem tiefen Genuss, deiner Leichtigkeit, deiner Tiefe?


Spürst du die Lust in der Essenz deiner Seele zu baden, bis sie über dich hinaus in die Welt strömt?





When I drop down into my body, I can sense contradictions in every cell of my being. Something is born while another thing is dying. There is contraction, expansion, relaxation and neutrality woven into a complex dance that - for now - is making sure I stay alive. Parts of my body are made of some of the hardest materials found on planet earth. Other parts are tender and squishy, in need of being protected by me. When I breathe into this complexity, into this collection of contradictions, black and white thinking is melting away. Right, wrong, this OR that - it‘s not in my nature. This, AND that, AND that, mixed into a delicious soup with a pinch of mystery and the unknown. Ever changing combinations. It‘s in my nature, this perfect ungraspable chaos.

When I drop down into my body, magic no longer has a taste of the esoteric. Magic is what we‘re made of. Sensing, processing, digesting, rebuilding, exchanging, connecting, adapting, moisturizing, cleansing, balancing, shedding. My body is a mind blowing alchemical miracle, a jaw dropping spectacle. How could I ever be anything other than in pure awe of it‘s beauty?

When I drop down into my body, I become aware of the precious gift that is this piece of earth I have the honor to feed, touch, move around, decorate, wash, caress, listen to, communicate with, love. I inhabit a 167cm tall wonder.

When I drop down into my body, I‘m meeting the most creative story teller who knows of plot twists beyond words and my wildest imagination. Throughout my life I‘ve gone to remote places driven by a desire to be more alive, to learn more about us humans and the stories that weave this world we live in. I fulfilled this desire, but only in those moments where I allowed myself to drop into this body. Far, near, all by myself or in delicious company, it was always my body through which I was granted to learn, sense, understand and explore.

When I drop down into my body, I no longer need to fear the diversity and intensity of my emotional landscape. Grief becomes a teacher, whispering secrets that were known by my ancestors, known by plants and animals, by mountain chains and river banks. Healthily embodied, anger becomes a driving force, an ally that helps me to tap into forces that make sure I protect what’s dear to me, that helps me build containers with a foundation of justice. Through knowing and embodying my anger, I start to understand sustainability. Breathing into the hot mess of my jealousy, I find myself melting coping and shut down mechanisms that have been passed down through generations. My jealousy teaches me to show up more truthfully, courageously and vulnerably. „I want...“ „I wish...“ „I need...“ Sentences I need to hear myself speak. Sentences I need to feel myself feeling into.

When I allow myself to drop into this body, I allow myself to come home to an impermanent, ever changing tree house, hosting countless guests such as feelings, foods, musical compositions, thoughts, surges of energy, liquids, bacteria, other people‘s body parts, impulses, pain, bliss, numbness. Magic.

When I drop down into this body, this body drops into the earth. And the earth drops into the Universe.

Aktualisiert: 12. Sept. 2022

That which I try to hide, that which I believe will alienate me from you is the very thing that I need to show so that intimacy is possible. The addiction to dealing with things on my own, the addiction to having to figure it all out before I can show myself, before I can show up for this life, the addiction to excluding myself from my organic belonging through secrecy, pretense, hiding, distancing, sugarcoating, covering up the very aspects of my humanness that would be relatable for my surrounding - this is my personal breeding ground for disconnection.


The way that people have shown up for and with me the past days when I finally shared myself in what feels like utter mess, the way I have been received touches me deeply.


These moments give me the chance to find out that none of has “it” figured out, that none of us was ever meant to figure life out, on our own, or together. Life seems to care very little about these attempts of mental gymnastics. Yet, in the space of not knowing, of deep love, pain, frustration, confusion, desire, searching, friction, despair, hope, inspiration, in a space of transparency, we can meet. And be human, together.


I don’t know shit and I am terrified by and absolutely, deeply in love with this life. Thank you for wobbling and wandering around in this mystery with me. Fuck.

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