That Which I Try To Hide

That which I try to hide, that which I believe will alienate me from you is the very thing that I need to show so that intimacy is possible. The addiction to dealing with things on my own, the addiction to having to figure it all out before I can show myself, before I can show up for this life, the addiction to excluding myself from my organic belonging through secrecy, pretense, hiding, distancing, sugarcoating, covering up the very aspects of my humanness that would be relatable for my surrounding - this is my personal breeding ground for disconnection.

The way that people have shown up for and with me the past days when I finally shared myself in what feels like utter mess, the way I have been received touches me deeply.

These moments give me the chance to find out that none of has “it” figured out, that none of us was ever meant to figure life out, on our own, or together. Life seems to care very little about these attempts of mental gymnastics. Yet, in the space of not knowing, of deep love, pain, frustration, confusion, desire, searching, friction, despair, hope, inspiration, in a space of transparency, we can meet. And be human, together.

I don’t know shit and I am terrified by and absolutely, deeply in love with this life. Thank you for wobbling and wandering around in this mystery with me. Fuck.